I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
