I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
