If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
