there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
should my penis look like a turkey
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
