Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
