I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
