You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
