It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
do herpes really smell.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize