I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
