and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
