I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
