this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize