ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
