Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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