i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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