this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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