Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize