I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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