you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You were trust falling into bushes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
