dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
