ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
