Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
