I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
