I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
