Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
