he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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