last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
