I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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