Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Randomize
