oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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