Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
