When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
