So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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