Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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