i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
