I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize