Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm too high and old for this...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
