i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Holy sore nipples Batman
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
