Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
