You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
