The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
