I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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