Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
