yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
