is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
