Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
