If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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