Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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