I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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