Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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