I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
