hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
