My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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