There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
