my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize