pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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