I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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