Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
