I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
