Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
