it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
