The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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