You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
