you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
