I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
