I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
