Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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