And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
