Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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