I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
