a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
