You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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